Have you ever wanted to eavesdrop on someone’s Thanksgiving? Well, here’s your chance. Two of our ES contributors give you their Thanksgiving text-a-thon. We’d also like to hear about your texts from Thanksgiving. Especially those after dessert drunk texts. Those are our favorite.
ML:My gravy won’t thicken. What the fucking fuck.
forkitude:Really? Reduce, reduce. You could make some roux real fast by melting butter in a sauce pan and adding flour and then add it to the gravy.
ML: I’m planning on it. I feel mentally retarded.
ML: I’m planning on it. I feel mentally retarded.
forkitude:Maybe you should have purchased“How To Repair Food.” Big mistake.
ML:Oh man. I bet that’d tell me how to fix gravy.
forkitude:Too bad.
ML:It didn’t work. This is a mystery of science.
forkitude:WTF?? Friday Fuck Up?
ML:Uh yeah. I even tried cornstarch. And nada.
forkitude:Just call it jus and you’re golden.
ML:It will still sadly be the best tasting thing on the table.
forkitude:Oh noooo….
ML:My parents and I just had our pre thanksgiving meal so we wouldn’t be hungry later. Oh, my family.
forkitude:My grandma just said she wants ice in her wine… And now the political discussions start. Just shoot me now.
ML:My grandma will be drinking out of the bottle.
ML:Oh man. I bet that’d tell me how to fix gravy.
forkitude:Too bad.
ML:It didn’t work. This is a mystery of science.
forkitude:WTF?? Friday Fuck Up?
ML:Uh yeah. I even tried cornstarch. And nada.
forkitude:Just call it jus and you’re golden.
ML:It will still sadly be the best tasting thing on the table.
forkitude:Oh noooo….
ML:My parents and I just had our pre thanksgiving meal so we wouldn’t be hungry later. Oh, my family.
forkitude:My grandma just said she wants ice in her wine… And now the political discussions start. Just shoot me now.
ML:My grandma will be drinking out of the bottle.
forkitude:OMG kill me. Why do we have to debate about the homeless?
ML:I’m discussing sushi with an 8-year-old.
ML:I’m discussing sushi with an 8-year-old.
forkitude:Wow that is insanity. My dinner was the shiznit.
ML:I’d like to eat soon? But we keep blowing fuses.
forkitude:Well at least everyone is full from the pre dinner. OMG..my mom’s man friend with an earring and a motorcycle is coming for dessert. This should be interesting.
ML:Yesss.
forkitude:My aunt talking about Mormons:“Well why would you ever want to have sex if you couldn’t have coffee in the morning and drink before you do it?” Priceless.
ML:I’d like to eat soon? But we keep blowing fuses.
forkitude:Well at least everyone is full from the pre dinner. OMG..my mom’s man friend with an earring and a motorcycle is coming for dessert. This should be interesting.
ML:Yesss.
forkitude:My aunt talking about Mormons:“Well why would you ever want to have sex if you couldn’t have coffee in the morning and drink before you do it?” Priceless.
forkitude:Aunt to mom’s man friend: “Oh look, we have the same earrings.”
ML:Oh my god. I have three different jello molds on my plate.
forkitude:Dude, this texting session needs to go on ES.“Texts from Thanksgiving”
ML:I think that is the best idea ever.
forkitude:I think I just gained 5 lbs from this Paula Deen pumpkin cheesecake.
ML:My aunt just said“black people have mac n cheese for thanksgiving.”
forkitude:“If you have to cover it up with bacon, you might as well just have a BLT.”
“The first part she picks off is the chicken butt.” … “Oh, I love it.” WTF, these quotes are spectacular.
ML:Yes. We are posting this.
forkitude:The cat is wearing a flower petal collar.
ML:“Don’t mix it, just drink it. The soda will make you sick.”
forkitude:“I don’t know if they were poopin’ in the yard or what they were doin’…you couldn’t imagine the smell of this. It was unreal.”
“He’s kind of a plumber.”…“I’ll fix anything, except for a broken heart.” OMG.
“The mom beaver goes: ‘we got a problem with the plumming!’” FML.
ML:OMG.
forkitude:I wonder if this shit will be funny tomorrow when I’m not buzzed.
ML:I hope so.I just fell asleep on the toilet?
forkitude:Something smells sour. Is it weird that I’m hungry?
ML:I don’t know what I am. Besides angry that I’m waking up at 4 AM.
forkitude:Oh fuck that shit.
ML:I’m poor. I need good deals.
My dad just smushed a stink bug because my aunt wanted to smell it. WTF.
forkitude:Normal.
ML:My grandmother just squished the bug with a turkey salt shaker and now my aunt is smelling it.
forkitude:OMG. Priceless memories.
ML:Aunt: where do they come from? Dad: Asia. Grandma: A lot of things we don’t like come from Asia.
forkitude:These dirty dishes make me want to vomit.
“I make a mean bowl of fruity pebbles.”
“Sometimes my lunch is cheese and bean dip.”
ML:Talking about the cool whip commercial:“My shows don’t do cream or oil. They do titties.”
forkitude:WTF.
ML:Gratoem– grace, toast, poem.
forkitude:I love your family.
ML:“Turkey turkey everywhere. Later you may find some in your underwear.”
forkitude:Amen. I hope other people think this is as funny.
ML:Or else we are going to look like idiots. This gratoem was written on the back of my aunt’s wedding invitation from 1971. WTF.
forkitude:WTF. Well, if my terrine fuck up post doesn’t make me look like an idiot, this sure will.
ML:9-year-old:“This pie was only $9.99! My mom bought it!”
forkitude:Just my mom, her man friend, and me. This might be a good time to bring my guitar out. Now they’re cuddled on the couch and I just threw up in my mouth.
ML:Oh my god. I have three different jello molds on my plate.
forkitude:Dude, this texting session needs to go on ES.“Texts from Thanksgiving”
ML:I think that is the best idea ever.
forkitude:I think I just gained 5 lbs from this Paula Deen pumpkin cheesecake.
ML:My aunt just said“black people have mac n cheese for thanksgiving.”
forkitude:“If you have to cover it up with bacon, you might as well just have a BLT.”
“The first part she picks off is the chicken butt.” … “Oh, I love it.” WTF, these quotes are spectacular.
ML:Yes. We are posting this.
forkitude:The cat is wearing a flower petal collar.
ML:“Don’t mix it, just drink it. The soda will make you sick.”
forkitude:“I don’t know if they were poopin’ in the yard or what they were doin’…you couldn’t imagine the smell of this. It was unreal.”
“He’s kind of a plumber.”…“I’ll fix anything, except for a broken heart.” OMG.
“The mom beaver goes: ‘we got a problem with the plumming!’” FML.
ML:OMG.
forkitude:I wonder if this shit will be funny tomorrow when I’m not buzzed.
ML:I hope so.I just fell asleep on the toilet?
forkitude:Something smells sour. Is it weird that I’m hungry?
ML:I don’t know what I am. Besides angry that I’m waking up at 4 AM.
forkitude:Oh fuck that shit.
ML:I’m poor. I need good deals.
My dad just smushed a stink bug because my aunt wanted to smell it. WTF.
forkitude:Normal.
ML:My grandmother just squished the bug with a turkey salt shaker and now my aunt is smelling it.
forkitude:OMG. Priceless memories.
ML:Aunt: where do they come from? Dad: Asia. Grandma: A lot of things we don’t like come from Asia.
forkitude:These dirty dishes make me want to vomit.
“I make a mean bowl of fruity pebbles.”
“Sometimes my lunch is cheese and bean dip.”
ML:Talking about the cool whip commercial:“My shows don’t do cream or oil. They do titties.”
forkitude:WTF.
ML:Gratoem– grace, toast, poem.
forkitude:I love your family.
ML:“Turkey turkey everywhere. Later you may find some in your underwear.”
forkitude:Amen. I hope other people think this is as funny.
ML:Or else we are going to look like idiots. This gratoem was written on the back of my aunt’s wedding invitation from 1971. WTF.
forkitude:WTF. Well, if my terrine fuck up post doesn’t make me look like an idiot, this sure will.
ML:9-year-old:“This pie was only $9.99! My mom bought it!”
forkitude:Just my mom, her man friend, and me. This might be a good time to bring my guitar out. Now they’re cuddled on the couch and I just threw up in my mouth.
Friday, 11:45 AM
ML:I just shopped for seven hours straight. Wow.
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